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  • Lawson D'Nago

These Four Walls Pt. 1

Three years ago, Larry and I were at the brink of killing each other. I was pregnant and we were stressed and over looking at every apartment in the North/North Central part of San Antonio. Just when we thought we were going to be in between places, we found the perfect two bedroom apartment. The open kitchen, hardwood floors, and quiet location were exactly what we needed when we were looking for a place to live and settle into our roles as parents. In three years, we accumulated a lot of STUFF and with our lives growing and changing, we were beginning to outgrow our cute little apartment. 

I Hate Packing 

And not because I hate boxing up my stuff. As an adult, I have already moved a total of 6 times- not including the most recent one! I am a pro when it comes to boxing and saying, "Throw it Away!" I hate stumbling upon memories. I am not emotionally stable enough to be in front of a memory and handle it calmly. I began to feel sad, overwhelmed, and paralyzed by my emotions and found that those are the things hardest to pack up. It is not as simple as wrapping it in newspaper and placing it in a box with, "FRAGILE," written across it in sharpie. We had so much life in that home. Larry and I grew as a couple. We grew as individuals. We learned not to be so self-centered and entitled. I became a mom here and a bride and a wife. I re-grouped and started back into school in this apartment and was faced with a lot of challenges here. 

A Room That Echoes 

The entire apartment was empty and I went in to do a final walk through and take photos to document what it looked like after it was cleaned out. I walked into our master bedroom and it was bare. However, the emotions and life that saturated the room made the atmosphere thick. The walls were now screaming all the emotions I had once felt so vividly. I could hear echoes of flashbacks to not being able to leave my bed and crying because a part of me just wanted to hold my baby and a part of me feared doing so. It held times of regret and times of "What if's." It held so much hurt and pain, that I for a minute, forgot that the room was now empty. I began to realize that this home that we once were so eager to be in, was now too packed with an energy we needed to release ourselves from. 

One Final Look

I walked through the door for the final time. I locked the door and I held onto the knob a little tighter before releasing the handle and saying goodbye to all the demons I faced while in the home. I grew so much in this place, and I continue to grow due to the circumstances that occurred in this place. If the walls could talk, I hope they say that the family that lived there, they struggled. I hope they tell our story with honesty. I hope they say that by the time they locked the door, they were stronger, more united, and bigger than what those four walls could have ever offered them. 

Onto a new chapter and a new beginning. We are so excited and blessed for what is in store. 

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